Goals

 Hmm...

Goals eh?

I know something about that. Its something people like me wont do. Assuming there is other people like me in this world, since I kind of get the idea that I am one of the kind, the authentic stupid ass girl with no directions in life.

I always thought I had my future plan figured out, no body gave me the heads up by saying that sometimes the mind can be so annoying, can be so  manipulating.
And well, I am so annoyed right now, because I learned it the hard way that it actually does :D HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA damn -_-

But then, I have to talk about goals, something i rethought about the whole time after that class we had, Sally. Oh, dear God I love leadership class, but it made me think about so many, in fact, way too many about my quality of a human being

Short term goal: To take sharper and better angled photo this evening with my friend when we are doing another photo hunting session.
Intermediate term goal: Have good grades and pass this semester.
Long term goal : Meet new best friends in Calgary

I am going to talk about my Long term goal.
Yes, a fragile 16 years old having a head start on life.
Behind that cheerful girl is that really lost girl that needs guide from someone or something.
Since I was in primary school, I am no body's friend.
I am that solitary girl that moves around groups because she can fit in.
But I always wonder, will I ever find that one little group in my life where I can be who I really am and just hang loose all the time. I don't need to be what they want me to be, I want to be THE part of that perfect circle.
Same story in junior high. That girl.
Mom asked me to move away to Malaysia to do high school and I think why not, you know?

And I did take it.

I was planning not to even try to have friends. I want to be alone and get it over with.
And  I stumble upon this great group of people, and I was IN the circle. I was ONE of them, And you know the effort I need to put into it,
NONE.
I WAS WHO I AM. No matter how loud and annoying I am.
No matter what kind of problems I have.
They took me for it.
It changed my life for a bit. It was so unreal, and it feels like a dream. And like all dreams it lasted long enough for me to just graduate and move to Calgary.

When I got here, I feel so stupid and lost because everyone is way older than I am, and all the people around my age,  I can't seem to be around them, they have their own circle.

I am now lost, and so lonely. I want to feel like I belong. I want to find that crowd who likes me for who I am, and what I do.

And right now Sally, I feel like a no body again. BACK IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL YEAY.

So for me, that is Why that my long term goal. Because when I found that circle back in Malaysia, I was rocking the subjects. I never felt that good. Malaysia raise the bar too high ;D

How?
Oh, I don't really know. Would it even matter if I try to find a way out of it?
I am just gonna open myself to people and be who I really am :) see which one stays around.
Other than that, I dont know what I should do.
HAHAHAHAHAh

Please help me Sally,  I don't feel like Im doing the right think for myself right now. Hahahahaha :)

Reflect Focus

What is truth? 

What is authority? 

How do I know what I know? 

To whom do I listen? 

I never actually wonder about what truth, because for me... 

I can say that I believe what I see, but I can also count on words. 

As simple as before this question has popped up, for me truth is just a thing that I hear with some of the evidence OF WORDS that come with the "truth". 

What they say is the truth, what they just blurred out to me is what actually happen, the fact. But then again, I can never be totally sure about it because what they say might me exaggerated, or may be minimized. 

Maybe what they say is only what they know, or the part of the story that seemed to be the whole story, because people sometimes think that their perspective is the first person, but actually its only what they witness. This seems to be a thing now, where the third person is always the one who knows the most. 

Or maybe what they are saying is bias because they hate the other person, and want to make them sound/look bad. 

 

But in a way, what they say IS the truth. Because IT IS a part of the story. But then again, its not the complete element. But it is a part of it. So maybe from now on I am gonna call them the element of truth. 

Authority.. 

Something I hate and love the most. 

I love it because having authority over something is a great deal, because you are the game changer. You are the one who is taking the big calls. 

I hate it because people forgot who they truly are after having authority over something. 

I never really truly listen to anyone. For me I have authority over the way I live my life. 

And for me, if they say some thing, I would do it just for the sake of doing it, because I'd rather have to sit through something I don't want to do, than having problems with that certain that have the 'authority' based on the "hierarchy" of society or just that place. 

So I guess for me, I don't have a definition or anything over it. 

Because even a leader, They do it with the team. A good leader will be willing to get their hands dirty.

I know its kind of confusing because along they way what I think about authority it comes back to the time where i have to be told to do EVERYTHING filthy, or "dirty".  

I dont know how I know what I know. 

 I feel really disturbed by this question. I mean, some of the stuff we do know as long as we can remember is just a simple case of the basic things we do need to know. And thats how they have always been used for, or those are actually the functions of what it is. Walking, talking, breathing, listening, understanding. 

To be honest, the more I talk about it, the more mind blown I am. Its like, learning how we learn is something out of this world for me. Im really confuse. 

Again, I dont really listen to anyone. 

I mean, Yes. You're words will be in my head, I will think about it and see the effects on what I, myself think about. And all I know is that, what they say is an input that I wont process. It'll just be there, in side my head. 

Now that I reflect in these questions, 

Im doubting who I really am.

Do I actually believe on what I believe? 

Do I actually believe in anything? 

Or Am I just human being with no where to go, and just wondering around and live just for the sake of filling someone's vacancy? 

Or am I the vacancy? 

.....I will now go take a shower and think about my life all over again. 

TYPE TALK

So, in this section of the book, 

It says that people are categorized in 4 pairs of preference. 

Extrovert or Introvert

Sensor or Intuitive 

Thinker or Feeler 

Judger or Preciever 

And as I go, It is actually more like remembering what I did when I had to do a test to determine what kind  of course that I should take for university/college. Because it also determines my habit and my interest in career too. 

When I took that test, It was ENFP (Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeler, And Preciever) 

And when I took this go through and determine which person I am, It says the same thing. I guess I didnt change at all eh? 

Extrovert. 

I do agree that I am an Extroverted person. 

And I think its a good thing, but then again, I don't control myself that much, so it has some bad sides too. 

I love to talk and open about myself, and most of the times its easy for me to share my life story and to share some deep parts of my life. So its really creepy to some people, because its not like it their concern. I just love to say stuff about myself. Its kind of fun.  

I sometimes can be so funny and full of jokes because I dont think what I say, its just the things that popped up in my mind, and i have to say it. 

And sometimes i offend people, because of the same reason. 

Intuitive 

For this one I actually think its a 50/50 thing. I also got some traits from Sensor, but I strongly feel that Intuitive suits me better. 

Some of the days in life can feel like a week, and sometimes It can feel like its a blast of several hours. Yes, for me time is relative. Its about how you feel about the day, and what is going on during the day itself. You might have a really long day because you feel bad about something, waiting for something, have boring classes, feeling lonely or some other things that regards the way you feel through out the day itself.

Or maybe you might have a really fast day because everything is hectic, you have so many things to do, you're having fun with your friends... something along that way. You enjoy it so much that time doesn't really matter that much to you. 

Feeler

Oh, this one. I knew about this way before these things even appear in my life. 

I am too much of a feeler. 

I take things too personally and I can't stay mad at someone. Even though that person is the one who started it or something like that, I feel obligated to be the one who says sorry, and make it up to them. 

I don't like hurting people's feeling, and some times think that if I do, I have to run away from them because if I stay too close I will feel the guilt running down my gut and kicks it so hard it gives out a very bad vibe. 

And one thing that all my friends back home hates about me, I am a big fan of Love. To me, Love is a very taboo thing to discuss. Because its something that is so abstract and you just can't figure out what it really is. But one thing I believe though, Love will never hurt you. And If Love did, that's not love. That's something else you think was love, but its actually not. (see, its so complicated of a thing even I cant write it down properly) 

Perciever  

As I am doing this in the very VERY last minute from the deadline, I am so sure I am a perciever. 

I do as what the situation needs. I feel way better if I can just lure it down and do the best I can for projects because I think it pushes my limits. But its really easy for me to get distracted that it kills me when Im working, and the next thing I know I am doing some other useless stuff and already wasted half of my night for that particular thing. 

HELLO :D

This Blog is going to be a journal about my leadership class in SAIT POLYTECHNIC.
CLASS LDSH-239-D!
with my beloved teacher, SALLY HAGGIS :3